vertigo

erumpent blue throwing off my vision
he blew in my face
"the hero of a dime novel"
a petulant smirk
oh, you'd be so SURPRISED, you would.
why i hold that little tightrope
little tight throat
burying with fingers of fear
that snare me
so so so LOST  in the bowels of dignity
they toast the sweet mistakes
engulfed in rippling epileptic smiles
pictures fading into rivulets of cheap ambrosia
SHOVED down already scarred throats
taken in by gorgeous winter.
i asked you that day,
can you know me?
can you REALLY, like this?
breathless, clinging, delirious,
ESSENCE wrapped in a frenzy of Orphic imbroglios
pirouetting lightly off your high horse
into the morbid glow of a saffron streetlight
stars slowly belching into our range of vision.
you said you could see them. All the constellations, in my eyes,
but the future's on the soft, torn flesh of my criminal hands.
can you see? can you see?
the lines of my love are appalling and pure - plasmic and plausible.
my darling, could you afford me space in your palace of desire?
catching brief snatches of heaven on my tongue
a glimpse through tear-stained fenestra
singing in metaphors
"i love you!" he laughs
i slowly die out
can you see?
("where?")
can you see yet, my love?

-larock 03/23/90

William

yes i feel this way about you
shall i shut down and deny out of fear?
i started this way, and look where i am
desperation and pain chase me
back into darkness within. they push me
up against the bloodied walls of my heart
fucking the life out of me until
there's no strength left.
i told you once before, and i was right
it is her. anastasia in a royal blue dress.
the demon of my life force that strays my eyes off him
onto the killing love she claims
i'd rather be hated than loved in her way.
i'll come to you again and in that moment you'll realize
the contrast of white against blue waves licking at our feet
purple sunsets behind the house of chains
and all the promise entailed in one lost shoe.
can you possibly know what's inside right now?
that you're doing to me what i did to you?
will i do to another what you've done to me?

-larock 08/14/94

blueberry eyes

blueberry eyes
unseen a smile just poured out
the cor-ner of my eye
taking the same road
like a line of sweet, sad sideshow freaks
laughing at mr. blind man's jokes
this is the most beautiful way
a hundred miles an hour down
the way back up is best
when you hold a familiar hand
open our hearts examine these clouds
i see a forest without trees
you see angels running in cycles
those blueberry eyes take in so much
i miss a lot, it's true
the mix is often poor
but i feel what others lost.
you are your best
on the way back up.
your smile lights up
like a thousand watt bulb
a cheshire grin
please don't disappear.
racing them down
you're the most beautiful way
dancing to a wise man's joke
like a line of pure innocence
taking the same road
the cor-ner of my eye
i see a smile just poured over
blueberry eyes
blueberry eyes
i love you.

-larock 01/23/95

une saison en enfer (not to be confused with Rimbaud)

(Note: I realize there is a famous poem by Rimbaud of the same name {A Season In Hell}; as he was and is beloved to me, I will only say I mean no plagiarism by borrowing his title and this certainly bears no resemblance to his epic creation.) 

my heart burns in anguish in this pain that is all the life i know.
hope like a stranger never returns anymore. he has left my
heart the way he found it. torn, bloody, undecipherable.

i am not a person. i am a kinetic mass of torture.
sentient, feeling every lash fresh upon my back
it wraps around and catches the masticated pulp of my heart
and rips out the remains.

Here i live as a dead man, feigning life.
I am truly dead.
Am I sabachthani? what was it i did to
have to take this constantly? what is the use of
remaining, to be used as a pawn
in the hand of terror.

my bottle of promise sits, smiling and beckoning.
"I will eliminate your troubles; I will set you free."
That's all i want. you have all i want.
freedom from hatred, pain, anger, but mostly - fear.

fear- the child of the devil who has chased me since dawn.
locks me into every corner, sneering.
bottle of promise, release me, my friend, release me
into the hope, peace and love i have never known.

- larock 03/22/91

untitled 7

pink, apricot, floating in the springs
you formed me into this shapeless thing
they dropped me on the way to king's house
you can't put me back together
can't put it back. never come back.
roots from our tree
fingers clawing deep down into my being
teeth embedded in my arm nails deep in my wrist
slip this skin
i'll never win. leave the flesh
lying as cold as she.
as cold as the rain pelting the sweet earth
nights so cold days so long
tucked away
nestled in mother earth's bosom
oh god
i need you to destroy me
eat me alive
god in my hand
devil dripping, love splashed all over my windshield
in a moment or a shadow dancing on torn vinyl
petal of the sweet carnation i dropped to you
oh my ONE
it was a bit of my heart under the dirt.

-larock (undated)

untitled 6

climbing coursing
you can't hold me under
i fight right up
i don't want to be you
i don't need to own you
i don't even need you
but i want to
tight in just the perfect place
second skin against my own
it's only carnal knowledge but
i have to see for myself
scientific method
i have a theory
that you'd taste like genius personified.

- larock 04/17/10

untitled 5

pulled out my heart with one look
lashes gilded
golden wings
could not release
what was torn from your grasp
i strangled every last drop
you can't get
blood from a rock
but you got mine.

it was never enough
want want want it all
dreaming isn't something
you do in your sleep
i'm making mine
somnambulant reality
beating in my chest
coursing, pumping
demanding it's virtue
it will be, it will me.
i'm making.

- larock 04/18/10

savior

I'm at your feet
you love me mercilessly
from up on your stage
tangled, tenuous touching
every corner of me
seeped steeped steaming
teeming with wicked venom
you pollute my blood
you suck my soul
your satisfaction is
to be my savior
chapped lips chafe
desperate hands
serving and making
turning and taking
shaking me changing me
but- no no no
I won't let it
my SAVIOR
tell me, how does THAT feel
in quiet domination, I stand and defy you
tell me I can't
I tell you, I will.

- larock 04/18/10

untitled 4

my muse, my slavior
my demon of desire
fill me to bursting
your essence imbibing
intoxicate, fornicate
black hole collapses in
it's own energy field
of delicious torment
exquisite misery
taste my beauty
cover my body with
the beast inside
ripping up, tearing through
jesus isn't here
you are my god
golden deity, monster of raw
fill me with your darkness
until it pours from my pores

you make my heart cry out
in wordless pleading
just one taste
of your decadence
flesh of a god
yet- with a single word
my cosmos turns
lips are loose
feet are fleet
sealed but then
suddenly opened up wide
no hiding
let it all in
your mouth is my window to your soul
your tongue paints
quickening my heart
the seed that starts the fire
thickening flames lick
and everything comes alive.

-larock 04/18/10