BLINK (again)

Ravished by a simple sigh
Your voice cracks, hesitant at hanging up
"...i love you..."
And yet again I'm propelled
Into manifold visions of how one is
Supposed to feel
Sentience falling
Failing
Flailing all aglow
My reasons ambivalent
My courage reluctant
I succumb without a thought to the inevitable
Breathe so softly
"...you too..."
God, this is crazy!
But beautiful and freeing

So...blink
A quiet blush
A sudden rush
And emptied now, you touch
I start, I start to blink

Centered on a thought, a phrase, a word
You use a lot..."but"
Skipping past scruffy shuffling schoolboys
Going grim-faced to confession
A regression
Seen my mind traipsing awash in
Dirty spasmodic ramblings
No one knows...but,
You let me off on love's plea bargain
Jargon jaded and faded

Bloated butterflies and beaters with blades
Take over my heart in one fell swoop
See what you do to me?

So...blink
A quiet blush
A sudden rush
And emptied now, you touch
I start, I start to blink

Cater to a nervous whim
Anchored to a broken limb
An inward outburst, you burst
My bubble of sadness
Stoic and sterile
floundering fantastically in
A different kind of schism- risen
Taken by an angel's kiss
Awakened
AWAKENED
Floating chaste as snow
Suddenly I know...

Blink
A quiet blush
A sudden rush
And emptied now, you touch
I start, I start to blink


LaRock 02/94

BLINK (original version)

Like dancing in heaven
Singing alone on a crowded street
"When you love someone
All your saved-up wishes" surface
And suddenly
Your dreams seem quite possible
See, see our stars there in the hazy morning mist
Sky fading from blue to pink, they fly
I think I see your smile in the reflection
I think your name is splashed across tomorrow's moon
You pour your soul out into my open hands
I cherish it softly like an energy I've never known
And we run together- clasping hands
into the sun-rise.

LaRock 02/94

Reference:
When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.
~ by Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973) ~

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

a swelling strain a violin
so oddly bohemian and wonderfully reckless
i the flint-like you the steel
the spark an explosion, emotion of wonder
how you knew that i could be
all you needed you knew
but you turned broken twitching blindly back
to your cleopatra and her patronizing penciled-in gaze
an unreal holly but i once knew mussolini
you were late where you been did she win
i tend, i play the fool
right down to the battered gestation
tissues of the staring sun
making creating me, quietly hating me
yeah they lied but they wanted you to
and anyway you can't get tired of a thing
before you have it.

BEHIND THE RED

You shutter
So it's a game now
Such a foul waste of unworthy life
Do I believe you
Covered in a pall of filthy rags
And a thousand charms
What good are numbers
and promises
When the ones you've cried for die for you
Have you come back already?
If so I must have missed you
Lost you

Behind the red
Behind the veins in these closed eyes
Behind the red
Behind the need in the locked closet of my mind

You read it?
Was it good now?
Or a quick waste of precious time
Cool and calculated
Sped through and thrown away
Like a novel filled with lust and shame
And I don't think much
Of it, or of you
I did the same with yours
With great intentions you soaked me in it
and lost me

Behind the red
Behind the veins in these closed eyes
Behind the red
Behind the need in the locked closet of my mind

LaRock 1994

STRIPPED

Tell me later when you're more than just a muffled voice Stumbling over zip codes and cold cream creamed corn and corned beef beef sticks stiff necks soaking blood wet set on salty scarlet wings couldn't commit or deny come in or reply there's nobody there Who am I to see what isn't there, lapping with heated tongues at the pink flow from the breast of a world without much more to give and a lot left to take Etched in eternal submission or fear out here hope could easily atrophy slowly drinking up soaking in a fictional past pleasing pandering to amateur laughter from the fifth row only visible the famous grin of alice's friend crashing arched eyebrow raised enemy little girl's eating a big black wolf jumping the gulf over kill the piggies and bury their bodies the bricks were all useless the mortar ignited surfeited sir suffer the slighted i skipped and i slipped now I'm stripped down to everything that is me carefully lost notes fumbling down a shy alley on a curious whim a wondrous wedding of life and of limb said I'm stripped true said I to her yes traitor I've changed I'm no longer your liar yes traitor I've changed I'm no longer your LIAR.

LaRock 04/01/94

06/10/95

You possess me
Consume me
Drown me
Fill me
This is all I ask
Devour me
I want this
To taste of life
Until I die
It is coming
In the look
You rise over
I go under
Swimming, I let go
I don't breathe
The life-force leaves
The eyes remain
Beautiful.

LaRock 06/10/95

REMEMBER THE POISON

It was stolen from our very minds
In the cold summer night
Keeping warm, clutching the blades in our hands
Grass cut to the bone of the heart
The blue of the screen lit the blue of your lips
Against our red-eyed wishes
And thrown-out shoes
There can be nothing else to say
You occupy a place of hope & light you laugh
I occupy a place of dark despair I scream
If the demon of my death-force would only...
A change could then ensue, perhaps
I'm wrong...it's just me.

LaRock 04/10/95

EBB

I'm facing her pantomime smile today
sharded and frail

EDEN'S BURDEN

in sleek bleak mist fetal flowers find
feeding from glass flask brave infants are inclined
towards eden's burden sweetened in a nightmare state suspended
rended and mended again by some painted unknown angel
spilling out his last bit of glory

catching up copious amounts of milkfed fear, i hear
laugh shaken from my shaken throat
"goodbye", she wrote, and went on waving glittering
relic weekend curtain CERTAIN of the lines
the minds, the signs, the hows, whens and WHY'S
of all heads bursting like melons when beaten with hammers
(with manners!)I stammer and stumble
towards eden's burden sweetened in a nightmare state suspended
rended and mended again by some painted unknown angel
spilling out his last bit of glory

taken out and up and INTO that spin cycle
tumbled dry at 369, bushed and pushed back deep into that sofa
fingers tearing flesh, this ancient distaff way fulfilled
and filled and thrilled again ISSUING ampersands and blurted out phrases
phasing hazy past her chamber cold
It lifts me out and up and over the top of my
selfish shellfish decaying excess
ever reaching, searching lurching
towards eden's burden sweetened in a nightmare state suspended
rended and mended again by some painted unknown angel
spilling out his last bit of glory

closing trembling hands over measured honesty
fissured destiny
biting down, suckling bloody out
Crawling weakened limbs
we the dimorphic coarsest devils deal the dildos fashioned from steel
i steal past kneel by stone silent violent alter
lay there my knowledge and denial
Waxing waning worrying waiting
for legitimization, purification, is this my station?
Prostrate atop a crimson tide
Begging pleading running surging
towards eden's burden sweetened in a nightmare state suspended
rended and mended again by some painted unknown angel
spilling out his last bit of glory

rid now of all his gory glory
flaxen slum of that ancient drum
see answers, tiny smiles calling, crawling
from the wounds, i ask him,
"Are you one of mercy?"


LaRock
1991

SHIT ONLY FLIES ONE WAY

Laying face down
On a bed on a bed
Relying the sound
You're dead you're dead

I make it so they can't see me
Running running
Fading into the scenery
Make it so it stays
Shit only flies one way

Tell it to the lightest tone
Cut the grass, cut the grass
Tell me then leave it alone
cut off the pass off the pass

I make it so they can't see me
Spinning spinning
Not the greatest policy
Tomorrow not today
Shit only flies one way

Kill me then leave me to die
Take me home take me home
Out in the rain she left the sky
Cold and slow cold and slow

I make it so they can't save me
Shrinking shrinking
The splinters slicing into my knees
The piper's way too overpaid
Shot only flies one way.

Sweep up your own life
Scrub it shove it
Lose it til it's right
And unlit unlit

I make it so they will see me
Wretched wretched
Owning up to everything completely
Decked out in decay
Shit only flies one way.


LaRock
07/22/94

BEFORE YOU CAME

Before you came
I was in limbo, I was a wreck
Before you came
Kept my intensity fully in check
Before you came
Had my eyes peeled to the bone
Before you came
I was naked in a casket of stone
But then you came
To your senses- just in time to see the signs
And then you came
Out of that closet of dreams
To wake up and justify the means
And I keep my feet on the ground so I can feel you coming now.

Before you came,
I was so lost, so unaware
Before you came
I'd stopped living and didn't even care
Before you came
My spirit was dead, my flesh unwilling
Before you came
My heart was an empty cup in need of filling
But then you came
And you rescued me from myself
Like poverty changed into wealth
And so you came
Entered my sickness without reservation
My vacancy sign left you no hesitation
And I keep my feet on the ground so I can feel you coming now.

Before you came
I was always walking on broken glass
Before you came
I was just a piece of trash between her legs
But then you came
Realization shining clear and warm
And out you came
In one single moment I was reborn
And I keep my feet on the ground so I can feel you coming now-
I keep my feet on the ground so I can feel you coming now.


LaRock
01/94

SICK

I held a knife up to my throat
I cut it clean, I cut it close
I kept the blood sealed in a jar
Locked in the trunk of my new car
I sped away
I said, today I'll admit
I'm sick.

Behold I come, behold I go
You hold my come, I mold your soul
I twist it in, I jerk it off
You take it in, without a scoff
Buy what they sell you
But I must tell you
I'm sick.

When I least expect it it springs down on me
It rips me up, it sets me free
Finger the death in my own hand
I try, I try, but I just can't
It won't, it may
I just want to say
I'm sick

I belong and I do not
I dug the hole, I mined it's rocks
You come with a sword, you come with a spear
You come in the name of god and paul revere
Honestly? It's a lie,
But I'll say it till I die,
I'm sick.


LaRock
01/17/94

NIMBUS CONTINUUM

"Molly has come home!" The paper boy sings as he swings toothpick arms towards the arms of a parson who never noticed the clock struck one two THREE finally free from fast fred bloodshed and those black inky stains on my tender white fingers- all strength has been spent down to every last cent and where it has gone well your guess is as good as mine- So amazed you're HERE lost in fear and honest conjecture all those ways we'll never know how it goes how it shows how it SLOWS us down and always seems to get in the way- Erupts like the flowers in my hair oh the crime, the punishment, the fear, the release, the beauty the hate the tears the PEACE of realizing that all you've done explodes into that one glorious moment and everything turns out alright after all. Except for the fact you're DEAD.

HUMAN IN A SILLY SORT OF WAY

Throbbing bleeding quivering innocence
Carried off like so many pieces of picket fence
Pawned it all off to Mr Jack Horner
At the five and dime on the infamous corner

Wearing next to everything like baggage on my sleeve
Sensitive the visitor who never wants to leave
Knock before you enter, eager pray
Human in a silly sort of way.

Blind like the innocence
You wear around your neck, you sense
A good luck charm, just like me on your arm
There's always something on your mind
And excuse to refuse, or a tentative sign
All the things that you say
Daydreams and delicate delicious delays

Wearing next to everything like baggage on my sleeve
Sensitive the visitor who never wants to leave
Knock before you enter, eager pray
Human in a silly sort of way.

Weakened by such innocence
Opportunity gone, the moment spent
Balking at the traffic signs
Take a number, stand in line
Running for cover from enemy ghost
Deflate all the high hopes and offer a toast

Wearing next to everything like baggage on my sleeve
Sensitive the visitor who never wants to leave
Knock before you enter, eager pray
Human in a silly sort of way.

CORNUCOPIA

"Though I've rubbed my eyes until they bled,
These tear stains won't come out," I said
In my still solitude, in my spinning head
In that beautiful moment life imitates DEATH.

Like a shattered scream I cannot hold
Like the heat that only makes me cold
Like my scattered thoughts laying at your feet
Like the guilt that is my safe retreat

Cornucopia- All I lack is everything

So I pick up the phone, put it back in the cradle
Before you pick up and I say something fatal
Those three little words that can curse and can kill
That strangle and mangle and TANGLE my will

Like a lovely meadow filled with dirt
Like the love for her that only hurts
Like a smiling mother's bitter sorrow
Like all the times we say, "tomorrow".

Cornucopia- All I lack is everything

So I turn out the light, try to drown in the dark
But your face looms before me, so dangerously marked
Disjointed and pointed, anointed in med
Lips blue as the sky, eyes red as BLOOD

Like losing your soul when you thought you had found it
Diving into the danger and not going around it
Like I pray the lord my soul to keep
Like a deep and cruel and maddening sleep

Like my tortured heart was dry and hard
Like a lonely desert, cracked and scarred
Til you tore it in two like a delicate flower
and the tears tumbled down from your ebony tower

Cornucopia- All I lack is everything


LaRock
03/93

THE GREEN ROOM

Possessed by all thing Precious and Hated

Holding that mirror to the sun,

You tear at my soul as I rend my flesh

And I try to cry but the tears aren't there

I try to speak but the words won't come

I break all these chains mistaking freedom for being free

I try to go on, but functioning has become a far-away goal

to my outstretched hands

And my love has been reduced to that of a dog

Wallowing in my own sweat and blood, as I feel my way inside my heart

To that chilling repose that cuts into the darkness of my empty room

Why?

Why aren't you here?You had me on

Like the random toss of a coin in the air

Suddenly I was too young and naive

And you needed her like god needs Lolita

Isn't that how it usually is anyway?

I can't live anymore

Seeing you always in drag, the exhibitionist of the hour

Dancing around my hips and wide-open legs

In your red shoes, in our green room

The sun is there, approaching like an unwanted visitor

Revealing all my ugliness and the bone of reality

Oh my god- the urge has departed just as quickly as it came

As I wipe dry my damp brow

We see broken hearts covered in broken skin

Possessed as always by a loneliness that will never go away.




LaRock

1992

FLUME ONE

In the space of five seconds, a quick glance

Nothing and everything in one stroke pf genius

The words stuck in the back of twisted mortal tongues

Eloquence lost in child-like wonder

A strange and somber sort of beauty

The kind we wondered at as innocents

Playing with dolls, toy soldiers, high heels

Looking at our feet now and seeing all those old scars

Still festering like a perpetually infected wound

Squeezing our feet into shoes we cannot fill

Shattering the faces we don in times of need

Like her skirt every time there's company

Run and hide in dark closets singing nursery rhymes until dawn

There we'd sleepwalk and dream

Since time is no more now, and eerie silence settles into our formal world

Of eat sleep shit sex that's all

The angels laugh in mirth and cry at our foolish ways

We think we're so wise and grown up here

Dying together

Tying bricks to our hands

They say so industrious and subtle, suddenly

Void of imagination there where the night celebrates itself

In impetuous parody

We gaze longingly through the broken window

Out at the parade

and see the grass on either side, so dry

So dead

And Lifeless.



LaRock

1992

SEAHORSES

I walk through that cold jagged moment

when everything stopped

her eyes full of tears

her soul as dry as mine

and when she crosses that bridge the ones before her have burned

her feet catch fire, and she runs

but falls to her knees in the river

and drifts away renewed, her eyes opening like flowers

In a dream she sings to starfish

rides her seahorse down to the deepest part of being

just like cinderella in her sparkling dress

reaching for that window high above our heads

and now nothing can change this nothing nothing

I bared my soul risking your laughter

It's like asking a shattered plate to heal

spontaneously

soaking up my breath like a sponge

trapped in the beauty of your smile

You were so close to me I could kiss you

So far away now I can't see you

Pulling at the tight threads of what you fear will never come undone

And nothing can change this, it's only me

Just the witch, she said, coming home

it's over and we can do nothing but cry

and ride our seahorses





LaRock

1990

JELLY

I look, I see what you've done, and I come,

but not in the usual way, in the way that seems best

but the way I see you from the corn-er of my eye

as one who forgot his first one

and the way you never get it wrong

always laughing like hyenas in the park on cold summer night

you are frightened, and I hold you,

but there's no one around to hold me

while I fall through the hole in my heart and the ache in my head burns

like the heat in your eyes, full of questions we're afraid not to ask

and we come, but not in the usual way, in the way that seems best

but the way you draw hate around you like a warm blank-et

And the way I softly scream my approval

the rain wanting out of my soul

But cursed pride says otherwise

and keeps the shell of who I used to be calm and collected.

It is not me, it never was

Though when you kissed that vacant skin

I felt it

other things i've felt have hurt more than that

and so I go now I have come.





LaRock

02/90

IN VACUO

I hang suspended

Festooned in a pool of calm

Kicking feeble tendrils

At this gossamer box of warm indifference

With indigenous fear

Darkness in the spathe of the calla

Those distant burning voices

Slipping past the whorls of tiny ears

With fetid silt-like grace

I float diluvial

My hands

fingerless spatulas

My thoughts

Flayed in their meaningless obscurity

Censured and spliced into your own

My feral rage

Fermenting in an asylum of frightening beauty

In the reflection, in the shoal succulence

Lips gently parted as in startled pleasure

Only beheld in the virgin visage

That look, the sigil of desire

Cry of the infant heart

Small heart pounding saliently

Regaled even so in this secret world by the dreams

In millenia, still yet unveiled

Will I never escape your fistulous belly?

This thing you call protection?

This hell?




LaRock

02/90

AGAIN

Again I'm left here

Standing holding an empty bag

Because your mind is so elusive to me

And your heart seems like an unattainable goal

Again I feel like all is lost

Because they've taken all I have and I have nothing left to give

I reach out for a hand but it fades away

Again all is pointless and fruitless to me without you

Because I've searched for so long, so blinded by love

Again I asked for an impossible impetuous thing

It's crazy and stupid and beautiful and suffocating

All at once if that can be so

I no longer function as a human being

Again, I am as a dead man

A limp shell of dry empty bones

My heart left the room when you did

Again I reached out for your hand but

you put it in your pocket for a sunny day

I cling so breathless to the cold steel bannister

You stand and lock my gaze, then turn from me

I represent all that you hate

Secrets told in confidence

Collide with the news of the day

Again I reach this time for broken blades of grass

You rise up

Say it's not enough

I wring my brittle hands desperate for a sign of approval...or love?

So sick

Pause wait a sign of life

emotion, feeling, run down marble slide glass staircase

Dancing alone

Again

Seeing, breathing, seeing clearly

How the essence of all I've been denied

Is laid at my feet in clouded blocks of time

Again all I know is that my own love is my worst enemy.




LaRock

10/92

OYSTER

Narrow-minded works both ways

A chill in the salty midnight air

Repeats a sweeping leaping

Bounce above a malady

Crashing above reality

Workings

Chirping of the chafing

Unkind tentacles of time

Close around and burn

I wasn't ready

Still unsteady

Shedding sheepish

asking

Why are pearls inside of oysters?

Why are you inside of me?



A creeping cryptic gaze

And dripping

Slipping through

This maze, amazed

I'm hit upside the head

With a single look

A crook that stole my self-respect

Detect after-effects of callus malice

Crossed it- myself- my legs

It begs

Why are pearls inside of oysters?

Why are you inside of me?



Careening carmine drops of love

Stuffed and existing

Mixing with milk-white beads of hope

Choked and floating

Like a dead fish

Just so I can spit you out

Into this ugly box

Locked and stocked with Hate

Heaving grieving

Drowning

Tell me

Why are pearls inside of oysters?

Why are you inside of me?



LaRock

12/91

THE HOWL

Howl and murmur

Cry into the air

The heir her hair

A tangled jangled soup of loops

And laughing

Stifling, suffering

All this, this all

Is killing me

I wanted to believe it was true

I wanted not to find this I've

Been living someone else's life

So wrong so wrong

This life-like “love” makes an albatross a farce

Of life-like alluvial feelings

Swallowed up by the evil hungry gut of fate

The swans smiling drift by gently

As the elusive grains of sand slip with brvity

Through time's narrow waist

Unnoticed

A slim passing chance of hope

Or a tourniquet there to choke it

A howl, a growl

A cry into the tainted air

The stares- I care not who sees this time

Unashamedly I let it all run wild

Abysmal and dismal

Acrid shoots of mutely abject wonder

Pilfered and plundered

All agog

Intoxicated not with life, but with living

For the first time, I scream

Absolved in toxic absolution

A million years of torture

Spilling out into your hands

You drink it in ironic aberration

Immortality

A single raised brow

I detect wrinkles forming

In the distance

A maniacal, murmured howl

It's gone

Gone

Gone.



LaRock

12/93

IT

Things unknown crush down

And make us tiny stupid beings

Babbling in high-pitched squeeks

Fancy the great potential

And just as we organize

It

The great It

Sweeps down to remind us

We're nothing

Vulnerability in it's hands

Still the braver among us

(the fools among us)

Wave pin-head fists It-ward

And all it does is

Roar it's laughter

Till it starts tearing up

And bangs it's fists

On the heads of angry clouds

We are not so much company as playthings.





LaRock

05/02/92

INTO THE REALM OF

Sacrifice in tidal waves in hot disparity

The flakes peel

In prompt revealing session

Procession of purple veins under paper skin

Under steely mask of thick delight

In white beams cast inside a shadow

A mind-bending never ending sound

Dancing down the dense decaying depth

On into the realm of the damned, undaunted

And grasping the gear in my hand,

Neither dead nor alive but somewhere in between





LaRock

05/03/92

Writings

I had abandoned this blog since January, but I'm taking it back up. I want to use it to publish my poetry from my life. Most of these were written in the 90's, some of the worst years of my life. This is an acknowledgment of who I was, she's part of me yet she is also so different for who Andrea is today. She exists though and I owe it to her to remember.